It has been 4 1/2 years since my last post and even longer than that since my real last update. Now I am married with a daughter. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary this month. I love my family very much. I would do anything for them. My wife is exactly who I had been looking for. And my daughter is the most precious thing on earth. But even with all that, something isn’t quite right. I’ve begun to have major mood swings. I’m not sure why. Lately I get set off by the smallest things. I blow up and ruin the whole day for everybody. This is not how I wanna be. I woke up this morning and I could still feel it lingering. It’s as if something was putting me on edge to feel that way. My wife deserves better than this and so does my daughter. I have to change. I must change. I will change….
I stare deep inside,
Sorting through all my pride.
Trying to figure out,
Why I’m troubled with this doubt.
Trying to bring some order,
That I might finally be able to shut the door.
I look deeper trying to find,
What it is that I’m trying to hide.
Why am I holding back,
Why haven’t I come out in a full-blown attack?
Why am I allowing myself to believe these lies,
That have totally blinded my eyes?
Its getting harder and harder to see,
I want the light to come back to me!
I must swallow my pride,
And look to my bride.
I need some help to decide,
What to do in this time.
My stupidity must be put aside,
If I am going to come back outside.
Chris Stamey
To kinda bring the last post to a close, the mind won. End of story.
So this past Saturday I finished my training as a firefighter we did an all day burn at a burn building in La Porte. It’s a concrete building that’s built just for that. We put hay in there and lit it on fire and did scenarios. Now I’m on probation for a year. I’ve been apart of the department since the beginning of October and I already have a nickname, sunshine. They call me this bc my hair sticks out from under my helmet. The first person to call me this was actually an instructor from the extrication training I went to in Katy in November. They keep threatening to cut my hair, but what else is new. I’ve learned alot and am eager to learn more.
For the 2 1/2 months I’ve been fighting a battle within myself-a war between my heart and mind. It’s one of a kind. It’s like playing tug-a-war with equally balanced teams. First you move in one direction then the other only to find ur self right back where u started having accomplished nothing. But as I have realized today, life must go on and actually has because it never stopped. I stopped and everything around me as continued to move. Change is inevitable therefore we should embrace. But am I going to have the strength required to bring about such change? Mind says do it, heart gets in the way. If I was a typical guy and didn’t care or have emotions then would be alot easier. But now I’m stuck at this years end reminiscing about memories and experiences done and made this time last year. Missing the good ones, trying to forget the bad ones or the ones that shouldn’t have happened. This is just a small bit of what’s going on with me.
Having friends is very important to me. Being a close friend of mine is rare bc I’m careful who I allow to get close to me. I’m selective of my friends. Love everyone as if they were my own flesh and blood. So when one stabs me in the back and goes to my girl and make her feel like crap over business that doesn’t concern them that doesn’t fly. As far as I’m concerned me and this person and anyone else involved are no longer friends. People will always tlk, u can’t help that. But they have no business sticking their noses in places it doesn’t belong and sayin things that don’t concern them. DONT CLAIM TO BE MY FRIEND THEN BE LITTLE ME AND MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A PIECE OF TRASH BEGIND MY BACK!!!! Apparently u have no idea what’s it’s like to be someones friend! Lucky for me I don’t need u!
It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything, whether on here or in some other form. Maybe that’s why I struggle so much. I don’t share my thoughts or what I’m feeling with people no where near as much as I use to. But that’s starting to change. I started to spend more time with my best friend Clayton, something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile.
I have a love in my life, or should I say love of my life lol. Her name is Megan and she is amazing. I absolutley love her with everything I have. I would do anything for her. She means everything to me. We first started dating back in November but then I got stupid and we broke up a week after valentines in February. We started talking again a month later in March and finally got back together on April 5th. We’ve had our ups in downs these last two months but we are determined to work thru things.
More recently, I decided to trade my car in Friday. The eclipse was an amazing car don’t get me wrong. Her name was Roxy. She was my first sports car, came with everything I was looking for at the time. But it was time to let her go. So I traded her in for a 2010 Nissan Cube. Now I know what you’re thinking, a cube?!?!? Why???? I’ll tell u why, it’s awesome, drives great, great gas milage, spacious and so comfortable. Great features. Its silver. I love it. I call it my party shaq lol. Maybe I’ll but some pix on later.
Well I had better get off of here and get back to work. It’s crazy busy here.
The Shag
So the month of May has been actually difficult for me. It started of with me loosing my girl. That was rough yet I took it pretty well. I wanted to improve things in my life including my spiritual life but knew I could never do that while I was with her. I tried but was unsuccessful. It still sucked though because she was a friend of mine and now we’re not even that. Then a few weeks after that, I lose a really good friend of mine from school. Her and I were close. I confided in her about alot of things. And now seeing what has happened I wish I would have kept some things to myself. I feel betrayed. I really dont know all the details and she wont provide any. So I’m forced to go off of how things look. She has completely cut me off and out of her life. I dont invest time and effort into relationships unless I think they are worth it. So when something like this happens it cuts me deep. All I can do is try and heal up and move on. Its just hard when you cant get them out of your head. But despite the setbacks, I still decided that things in my life needed to be cleaned up. Pastor at church kept saying that when we are tempted God has provided a way of escape and that we are never tempted beyond what we can handle. Those words struck me with force. Then he began to say that the devil uses our past track record to tempt us, that since we fell before it might work again. So then I decided to change my track record. Its been a rough start. But ultimately if you change the way you think then the rest comes easy. You just cant quit. I’ve been doing good so far. Hopefully with God’s help I can keep it up because I still have a long way to go before I am even back to where I know I should be. I still stress about my job. I dont make enough. I’m tryin to get out of debt but its hard when you dont make enough to keep your head above water when you get it there. Something has to give. I dont know what to do. Hopefully things will get better soon. And gas needs to stop going up!!! Things can only get better, right?
With a new year comes a new chapter in my life. I’m not dating or seeing anyone, as a matter of fact I’m trying to take the time and the effort that a relationship takes and focusing it on school. I’m taking a class at San Jac this semester as a part of my plan to move forward with my education. I’m kinda nervous but excited at the same time. The class is a Criminal Justice class called Court Systems and Practices. I think it will be interesting. But with the new year comes new goals and ideas. One is I need a new job. So I put an application in at the Harris County office to be a Jailer. If I get the job I’ll be making about $5 more an hour than I do now. Also, if I do get the job I would have to cut my hair, something that has become a big part of who I am. But its ok because the length of your hair isn’t who you are, its just a feature. So I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll be going to take a test for the position some time this month. So please pray for me.
“With a new year comes new beginnings.”
Chris
So Sunday night I was driving down 646 coming home. Me and my friend John had just left the new wal-mart on 646 and 45. It was kinda foggy that night but not too bad. We were almost to my house, had just crossed South Shore Blvd. Both of us all of a sudden see this huge deer crossing the street and entering my lane. My friend John yells out. I hit the brakes and swerved in the direction of the shoulder trying to dodge the deer. It was crossing from the oncoming traffic side. I hit my brakes so hard that they locked up and caused my tires to leave skid marks. I never lost control of the car and was able to steer it off the road. In the process of doing this I still managed to hit the deer. We get out to assess the damage only to find that my driver side mirror had been knocked off leaving chips and scratches on my window and door. We found no blood and no deer for that matter. So apparently the deer, which was a doe, turned out to be ok. We walked up and down the road looking for my mirror. A League City officer even stopped to make sure we were ok and offered his help in locating the mirror. The officer found it on the other side of the street. My car is obviously driveable and I am currenlty working with my insurance company to get an estimate on the damages. It was a close call for my friend and I. The deer was huge and had we hit it there would have been a major accident and we would either both be in the hospital seriously injured or worse….possibly dead. I thank God for sparing us the worse possibilities.
“That was a close one”
Chris
So after about a year and a half I have finally had a relationship that really mattered and was with someone I truely cared about. I’m sorry that it eneded. It actually hurt quite a bit. It was only two and a half months long, but I was still able to learn alot about myself. I have had certain questions about myself that I had not been able to answer. Now I know. For the first time I was able to see the damagae the my ex Beth had done to me. Before her I had no problem trusting people, trust girls, or anything. But now I see that I have a hard time trusting girls when I’m dating them. This was something I was afraid of. I could see myself acting a certain way and doing stuff and it was like I couldn’t stop myself and I hated it. I know it will heal and get better with time. Its just so frustrating.
As far as the recent ex goes, we broke up on the 19th. It has been a long struggle for me. I’ve had to deal with rejection, “what ifs”, and a little deprression. I think I’m coming through it ok, but it has still been hard. Nobody likes break-ups. An observation my friend from work John Weeks made was that I was trying to hard. I want something, someone I thought was attractive gave me attention and so I started something. I really do think I am trying too hard. I just dont know what to do. I want to meet the person that Im going to spend the rest of my life with. Then I wont have to deal with this kind of stuff anymore. My life is not stable enough to get married but I am ready for the beginning stages: meeting them, dating for awhile, getting to know them…that sorta thing. And I know there is somebody out there for me. I do believe that. There is a new single by Nickelback called “Gotta Be someone”. Here are the lyrics:
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren’t enough
So I’ll be waiting for the real thing, I’ll know it by the feeling
The moment when we’re meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I’ll be holding my own breath, right up ’til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I’ll spend forever with
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There’s gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they’re not alone
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there
Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it’s just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So I’ll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I’ll spend forever with
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There’s gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they’re not alone
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there
You can’t give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you’re holding on
Cause it could be the one, the one you’re waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There’s gotta be somebody for me, ohhh
Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there
“Ready when you are”
Chris' Inner Thoughts 